OMG!!! Shocking 5 Things You Should Know About KU Chics

So it’s a boring Monday afternoon and I’m relaxing in one of KU’s hangout joints. As I sip on my occasional Minute Maid, a curvy chic comes and sits next to me. I manage to catch a quick glimpse of her perfectly toned ass before going on to say hi. To my surprise, she smiles indulgently. I perceive the seductive flicker in her pretty large eyes as the green light but before I utter another word, she parts her luscious lips then goes,

“Oh! Si you are Philip Etemesi, that writer who likes dissing campo chics. You are cool and crazy, but I don’t like you that much!”

Being the type of guy that doesn’t take no for an answer, I remain resilient but she insists that the she’d love having me as a friend only, nothing else. I thought I was past friend zones – apparently not. In rules of grammar, you aren’t allowed to refer to someone as ‘cool but unlikable’. If someone is cool, he’s likable and if he isn’t cool then he’s unlikable.

After all signs show that our conversation is heading nowhere, she leaves. I meet her again later in the day and I pretend not to see her. As expected, she shouts out my name, apologizes and ends up giving me her number. Sadly, I have accepted her earlier rejection and moved on. My primary school English teacher taught me ‘forwards ever and backwards never.’ I take that very seriously. Who? Me? No way. I’m just kidding. Of course I leave no stone unturned. The moral is you can tell whether someone likes you or hates you by the way they use grammar while talking to you. This brings me to my first point.

I love KU ladies and this is pure precise love speech dedicated to them. Here are 5 things you didn’t know about KU chics.

1. Some of them are really fluent in ‘Engrish’ not English.

The greatest torture I have ever been subjected to was eavesdropping on a conversation between a chic from Karen and a chic from Karatina. At intervals, they would ask for my opinion on certain issues and I would intentionally throw in hard jargons and phrases. If you combine Karatina English, Karen lingo and Etemesi English, what you get is three people speaking in tongues.

What exactly is Engrish? Engrish is English with unavoidable accent modifications. Let me explain. Engrish is when a chic texts a message such as this, “Xaxa, I dhot you were coming.” Huh? I’m still digging fossils trying to figure out where the substitution of ‘S’ with ‘X’ originated from. Maybe it’s because of the Chinese.

The KU administration made matters worse by moving the Chinese Confucius Institute close to one of the reading areas. The Chinese have a worse kind of Engrish. So do chics from Westlands. I tried learning Chinese but I found it hard because of two reasons. The first reason was the lecturer. Li Shua was her name. She came with a mini dress on the first lecture and I felt like I was watching Nikita. My eyes stayed fixated on her legs. The second reason was, she translated Chinese into Engrish, not English.

2. They have the prettiest weaves

I realized that Vera Sidika’s expensive weave can cater for my school fees from first year to fourth year plus masters plus repayment of HELB loan without any balance. It doesn’t matter. Forget Vera’s half a million shilling weave; a KU chic’s weave looks like the beautiful wavy silky hair of a Mexican girl. Before a KU chic leaves her house or hostel room, she always looks up to the sky to check whether it’s going to rain. KU chics always go to the TV room to check weather forecasts because rain is an enemy. If you want to be a farmer, don’t date a KU chic. You will argue over rain. Most of the ladies never lack umbrellas or paper bags in their handbags.

3. They used to love condom shoes

Once upon a time, KU ladies really loved condom shoes. These shoes were the ideal companions for trekking the long lanes. Apart from the current crop of freshers, most KU ladies can confess to at least owning the plastic, light shoes at some point. Some still keep the shoes as souvenirs in memory of the days they were single, broke and without boyfriends who could buy them better shoes.

4. They are obsessed with Smirnoff Black Ice.

The Incoming Organizing Secretary, EABL CEO, John Mututho and I are thinking of doing a Black Ice activation ceremony at KU. In attendance will be ladies only. As a motivational speaker, I will be advising ladies on the appropriate Black Ice consumption levels. Smirnoff Black ice is the major reason KU chics get chips funguad .

When a KU lady goes clubbing, she always takes a friend or two with her. The point is that the friends will watch over her when she gets wasted so that a hungry dude doesn’t carry her away. This never works because of the theory of ‘collective decision making.’ Campus girls like making decisions as a group. Apparently the whole girl group usually ends up getting wasted, resulting in a lucky nigga’s foursome or threesome.

5. They are natural beauties

Of all Kenyan campuses, KU has the prettiest ladies. That’s a fact. You should see the way touts and airtime vendors at the main gate stare at the princesses streaming in and out of campus. Team Mafisi from other universities such as JKUAT and UON always try to invade KU in numbers but we KU dudes have high awareness levels. The only competitors who pose a threat us are sugar daddies. Otherwise we are good.

Natural beauty is evident all over KU. Guys are spoilt for choice. There are the short portable chics usually referred to as ‘laptops’. There are the ‘mommos’ who are usually referred to as cargo ships because of the cargo they carry up front and behind. There are the golden brown skin chics, there are the super models and there are the chocolate chics. KU ladies are the reason Kahawa Wendani is called ‘The city of Angels’. KU ladies are the reason guys get intentional retakes so as to stay in campus longer. KU ladies are the reason I am happy. Hope I have redeemed myself from the ‘chic basher’ title I unfairly acquired.

- Capitalfm